Something I didn’t expect to be so difficult after having a baby was navigating what work would look like for me. It felt as if there was so much to weigh when making this decision. It was as if my entire identity as I knew it was hanging in the balance. Would I quit work and be a “stay at home mom” (a title I truly loathe)? Or would I be a “working mom”? Would I do a combo? I had no idea what to do or, more importantly, what I wanted to do.

I recognized early on in this decision process that I was in a place of privilege to even be able to sit with these options and pick which one I preferred. I could do whatever I wanted to do. Many, many mothers do not have this option. To say I am grateful is an understatement.

The Options

I think that as a mother you can work or you can stay home or you can do a combo of both and be a wonderful mom. Depending on the path you choose, it doesn’t make you any less of a mom. If you stay home with your children, you are still a worthwhile and valuable person who has something to offer in this world — even if you don’t “have a career” at the moment. And if you go to work, you can be just as involved with your children as someone who chooses to be with their kids full time.

When I was going through pros and cons of what I wanted to do after my first child was born, I felt that I had 12 weeks (the length of my maternity leave) to decide my destiny on who and what I was going to be. Everything was riding on whatever decision I would make. Of course, one could argue that I had roughly nine months to decide on whether or not I would work. This might be true for some, but I felt that I needed to meet my baby and see how I felt. I also had no idea how birth would go and I had no idea how I would feel about going back to work. I had never been a mom before. I had never even met this person before. How would I know if I needed to go back to work to be fulfilled or if I felt that the right move for me would be to pause traditional work to be with my child full time? I didn’t know while I was pregnant what I wanted to do, and I’m glad I waited until after my baby was born to make any decisions.

The Struggle

There are women in life who say they feel called to motherhood and leaving their job to be with their children full time is a no brainer to them. I am an enneagram 3 to my core. And, according to the Enneagram Institute, 3s are defined as “status-conscious and highly driven for advancement”. What I’m saying is that quitting my job felt like a failure and staying home felt like the lazy option.

And yet, even with the internal struggle of feeling like stepping away from my job to ‘stay home’ was the easy way out, I ultimately decided I didn’t want to go back to work. I wanted to pause work in an office to be with my son (and now with my daughter, too). This decision was not easy. After meeting with my boss and officially stepping away, I felt gutted. I loved my baby and I was enjoying being a new mom, but I still felt very self-conscious about what my full time job was. And I truly hated (and still do, to be honest) having to fill out what my occupation is when filling out forms. Who decided moms who pull back from work to raise their children full time are called “stay at home moms”? Whenever I’m asked what I do for work, I usually say I’m taking a break from work for now to rise my young children.

The Right Choice For Me

Now, three and a half years later, I feel more confident than ever in this decision. I know this was the right move for myself and for my family as a whole. It’s the hardest, boring, exciting, hilarious, exhausting, rewarding, and important job I’ve ever had.

At the end of the day, it’s important to go with your gut on what you need and your family needs. I recognize that the decision I made to take a break from work is temporary and not forever. I am well aware of the pay gap that I’ll incur when I do decide to return to work. However, in the end it was worth it to me to take a break and raise my kids full time. I’m very grateful to get to do what I do.

Questions To Ask Yourself

If you’re in a position where you’re weighing the pros and cons on whether you should stick with working or take a break to be with your kids more, below are questions I asked myself to help me come to the decision I made:

1. The most important question to ask is what will help you be a better parent and person?
2. Is there a situation where you work and your spouse/partner stays home?
3. What values do you have around raising children? Do you find yourself wanting to be the primary caretaker at all times? Are you up for a nanny, relative, daycare to help?
4. Your kids are only young once. Are you able to take a break from work? How detrimental to your career would it be to take a break? ***
5. Financially what makes sense for you, your spouse, and your family?

***This is not meant to be a question to guilt anyone into stay home with their children (or feeling bad that they don’t). This is an actual question I wrestled with for a while, and in all honesty it brought out a lot more feelings on work and goals for my life than I expected.

One More Thing

I’ve heard working moms say they love to work so their children can look up to them and see how hardworking of a mom they are. While I’m sure this is true for their children, and the comment is well-meaning from the moms, comments like this can leave mothers who choose to step away from their job feeling like they aren’t worth being looked up to by their children. If you’ve ever felt the same sentiments after a comment like this, I hope you know that could not be farther from the truth. Don’t diminish the sacrifice you are making of stepping away from work to be with your children. That’s a big kind of love. And you’re doing very important work.